im not a songwriter i don’t even know how to sing I’m not a songwriter sometimes i think i don’t know anything im not a songwriter i don’t even know how to sing I’m not a songwriter sometimes i know i don’t know anything I’m not a musician I don’t know how to play anything I’m not a musician sometimes I wonder why they ask me to sing but then i remember when I was a child And the things we would do for fun It’s been quite a while but I’m not quite done I’m not quite done I don’t know how this even begun I’m not quite sure it actually has Sometimes I question how long a feeling like this can actually last im not a songwriter i don’t even know how to sing I’m not a songwriter sometimes i think i don’t even know anything

I’ve been looking for meaning Wherever I can find it The stars and the wind have been my guides Their promises are binding Like the weary traveler i am I take refuge in the night Like the heartbroken woman I am still nothing feels right But the stars continue shining And the wind is still pining for me to be free I’ve been looking for answers To what that word even means And of course I hear the wind singing But that no longer satisfies me And like a star on her deathbed I’m shining spectacularly And like everyone ever I am dying But the flames still dance on the wind And the songs continue burning within me yearning to be free And I’ve been looking for you Like you’ve been looking for me I see the stars in your eyes from quite some distance away But you hear my song on the wind and you know you can’t stay Like star crossed lovers we’re aliens to each other I just want to know why But I will never know why And I don’t know if that’s enough to stop the cold, to keep me from looking up at the sky

I’d like to be On mtv And I could show you My reality Curated for views When life is a snooze What do you see? Can we even call this the truth I’d like to be Honest with me And honest with you But honestly I’m so confused And pretty lost too The uncertainty Cant be lost on you I’d like to be on mtv So you could show me Your reality But would it even be the real you Who is the real you That’s a big enough question to leave the rhyme scheme and meter broken and battered and bruised Did I ever know you Sure we could be On mtv Just us two And nev and kamie And a whole camera crew But what good would that do For me or for you For the whole world to see Our sad ugly truth Sure we could be On mtv Just us two And nev and kamie But what good what that do For me or for you For the whole world to see ugly sad truth

Cut out your heart Make it mean something If you don’t have your own Store bought is fine If you don’t have your own you can borrow mine Cause I got a factory heart I bought it at down at the quick save mart To replace the one I ripped out of my chest To prove it meant something Along with a Polaroid I stapled it to my shirt sleeve Cut out your heart Decorate it however you like If you don’t like how it turns out You can get one better than the rest If you don’t like how it turns out You can always buy one to keep under your vest And get yourself a factory heart Manufactured by the millions in all the coolest art To replace the one you ripped out of your chest To prove you had style Along with the point Getting there could take a while Yeah so why don’t you cut your heart out just like me and mine? You could always get a new one fresh off the assembly line So what if I don’t know where the heart I was born with is now I can just drive to any store downtown And go get a factory heart It’ll be years before it breaks apart And i have to replace what’s in my chest To prove i know what I’m doing Along with my new heart and along with the void I feel the seams ungluing

She knew it was going to break well before heading into battle She wore it in anyway Stubbornness shaking in her head like some sort of death rattle And in the moment when it happened She didn’t have to look down to know it was gone She felt it in her blood And then she felt that blood get drawn Yeah she felt it breaking before it actually did She loved it so much she couldn’t bear to take it off and by now she’s in the thick of it Staring down death practically naked And by now she’s absolutely sick of it In the moment when it happened She didn’t have to look down to know it was gone She felt it in her blood And then she felt that blood get drawn

Home was beautiful when we were They said home is where the heart breaks Couldn’t believe that even if i wanted to Well I couldn’t until it was true Home was beautiful when we were Broken, not beautiful is me now Was it you who broke me, who broke our home I guess The Who is not that important Heart broke me into we Beautiful not broken was us then When home is not into you Is it not home now anymore Home is where the heart breaks Now we know we can’t Breaks me now you can’t fix Who would ever want this

Who could’ve guessed all of our compassionate compromises would lead to compromised compassion? We sacrificed it all like it was going out of fashion. Don’t even dare compare it to the magi because in this story I’m afraid that we’re both the bad guy. First we let the small stuff slide and next thing we know we’re sliding off the rails. Where will we land when the safety net fails? All those compassionate compromises only got us so far. You can’t do the limbo if the ground is touching the bar. Despite this fact we both ended up with broken backs. Digging ourselves into a hole to try to stay on track. Another compromise I guess but where did the compassion go? Maybe it’s just one more thing we left buried in the snow. But I don’t think we’ll find any compassion there when it melts. I’m afraid it’s gone just like everything we ever felt. A question settles on both our minds as we watch the compromises fall. Was there ever any compassion living between these walls?

I’m drawing circles in my notebook again the little squares too It’s an impossible to win game of solitaire Why is this something I put myself through I used to tell myself it was because If I ever won I’d be some sort of genius And no one could hold a candle to me But after all these years what am I left holding I am holding my temples when then headaches come Will these last forever or is this finally the end of it? If I myself am a church who exactly is the pastor? Who’s the congregate? I used to tell myself the answers to those questions are my mind and body Respectively But now all bets are off The church is burning down I am drawing circles in my notebook again Connected by lines to the little squares too We won’t all get to go to where we’re trying to go It’s just impossible

I’ve been lost in my music I’ve been lost inside my heart i’ve been trying to find the right place to start searching for the pieces so i can maybe try to put them together again this year the first frost has come early I suppose I knew it would but i don’t think that kind of thinking will do anyone any good so I’ll get lost in the music i’ve been so lost from the start How can you make love and pain rhyme Without ripping out your heart searching for the answers to all the questions I’ve always been scared to ask this year the roads are as treacherous as ever I suppose that’s to be expected But I don’t think that kind of thinking Will keep anyone protected

I deleted all the music on my phone Including all the rare mountain goats Don’t know what I’m gonna do The next time I wanna listen to Blues for Cicero I needed the space on my phone So I deleted all your photos But not the ones of your cat I could never do that An ode to Onion I moved everything to the cloud Everything my heart would allow Everything else I had to set free I’m clearing out the digital debris Ballad about lost memories Now that’s it’s all in the cloud I’m just waiting for the rain to come down You can soak me in doubt But at the end of the day I know what I’m about This is a melody of growth

Grief is a word I’ve been thinking about lately Grief is the only kind of love I will ever let berate me Let it wash over me like waves over a beached whale The only difference is that people expect me to be swimming again sometime eventually But when you feel like this how are you ever supposed to feel anything else Grief is a word I first learned the definition of when my grandmother died She was the only person I could confide in, at the time Went from a straight a student to struggling to pass None of my teachers cared to ask why But when you feel like that it’s hard to care about anything, so I get it Because after that it was hard for me to care about anything Grief is a word I’ve been thinking about lately Grief is a word I learned another definition of the day my dad passed away Like a game where the rules are suddenly changing Without warning But when you’re suddenly in mourning for someone you once thought you hated You start thinking a lot about love And that maybe things are more complicated Grief is a word I’ve been speaking about with my therapist a lot lately Together as explorers of the human heart we learned a third and I think encompassing definition of the word grief It has words in it like heartbreak, life, love, pain, living, and endless Two words it doesn’t have are death and relief But when you live life on Earth And feel the hurt When you live life on Earth Grief is a word you learn a lot about

I’m afraid of looking down and not seeing the ground I am afraid of falling I don’t know what will happen when the winter comes I can hardly wrap my head around what the summer has done I wanna travel through time But the last time I tried I don’t think anything happened No I don’t think anything happened Save for the scars Save for the scars Save for the I have two fingers on the moment trying to gauge it’s pulse How much fight is left here With our broken backs against the ropes I don’t know what will happen when retribution comes Everyone myself included is going to pay for what they’ve done I’m afraid of looking in the mirror and things not getting any clearer I am afraid of falling apart Afraid of the scars Afraid of the dark Afraid of falling apart I am afraid of falling

Moving through life like tumbleweed Going where the wind blows Regardless of what I need And 5 o'clock shadow has me looking like a man I don’t want to be I want to look in the dirt and see something other than my reflection Let the wind bless upon me the unfamiliar feeling of pure affection Moving through life like an ouroboros But I’m getting ready to clear my throat I’m getting ready To strike like the animal they made me I want to look in the dirt and see something other than puddles of deflection Let the rain bless upon me please the feeling of unadulterated affection Let it come down like water from a faucet How nice would it be to capture this moment before I lost it Times like this I wish my name was max Caulfield But then would it even be worth it Moving on now though like a song on the wind Real and mesmerizing The moment is as real as it is ephemeral And I’m looking and feeling like a person finally Real and mesmerizing I’m looking at the dirt and what I see is a place where things can grow Let this life bless me me with memories that I’ll always hold and cherish and remember because I don’t want to forget